conflict in Marriage

Conflict is an inevitable part of marriage. Bringing two people together, at some point, there is bound to be conflict. Everyone forms their own ideas and opinions based on a host of things such as their family backgrounds, life experiences and personalities.

It doesn’t mean it has to destroy your marriage, though. In a marriage, conflicts that are mishandled can shred your connection with your spouse. If an affair is added to the mix, you’re strained to the breaking point.

In this post, we’ll take a look at how you can resolve conflict with your husband or wife in a way that doesn’t damage your relationship—especially if you’re working to save your marriage after an affair. Please keep reading…

When Conflict Gets Out of Control

Do you and your spouse control your conflicts—or does conflict set the tone for your relationship by controlling you?

Thinking back over arguments with your spouse, you can probably recall those that particularly got out of control. One or both of you went a little too far, saying or doing something before thinking it through, and then you had regrets. It may have even driven a wedge between you and your spouse, at least temporarily, with hurt feelings and disappointment.

Some tug-and-pull in a relationship is actually a good sign: it shows you care about the relationship. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t bother to argue, because you simply wouldn’t care one way or the other—just keep the peace. Conflict is a sign of passion between you and your spouse.

But when conflict crosses the line—leaving you both exhausted and drained and still dealing with unresolved issues—is when you and your spouse will need to take a look at how you’re managing conflict. If your arguing has devolved to the point of name-calling, disrespect and unsavory language, it’s time to call a halt.

Resolving conflicts after an affair can be an exceptional challenge. Conflicts that may have been mildly heated before now take on a great deal of weight, in the form of negative thoughts, emotions and images that the victim of the affair must work through.

The cheater also has emotions to work through, and may be defensive whenever the conversation turns into a disagreement, because he or she is still trying to come to grips with the guilt they may feel for causing such damage to the relationship.

Conflict Resolution Skill Set

You can’t help how you feel, but you can help how you express your feelings.

Feelings involve issues and beliefs that have a strong effect on you. Your expression of those feelings requires skills that will help you and your spouse manage your conflicts in a way that doesn’t damage the relationship.

Step 1: Accept that Couples Disagree

If you feel strongly about an issue, it would be unreasonable to expect you or your spouse to tamp it down or ignore those feelings and hope they go away. That can cause more harm than good. It’s best to express those feelings.

When you and your spouse aren’t in perfect alignment on an issue, it does not mean the relationship is unsalvageable. Neither of you married your clone, so accept that you are two different individuals, possessing your own unique 3 pounds of brain matter, and that you are going to use that brain matter in ways that are different.

Step 2: “Pause” before a Heated Discussion Gets Overheated

When a conversation veers toward conflict, both you and your spouse need to take a breath and step back. Acknowledge—verbally—that this is a topic that requires deeper discussion because you aren’t in agreement.

By simply verbalizing aloud that there is a conflict of feelings, you are managing the tone from the outset. This allows you to pause, gather your thoughts, and understand exactly what your feelings on the subject.

Without this pause, a heated discussion can quickly slide down the slippery slope into an exchange that does nothing to express true feelings, and can leave both spouses angry and discouraged.

Step 3: Agree to Focus on the Specific Conflict

How many times have you been caught up in an argument with your spouse, and the next thing you know, one of you says something like:

“Like that time you started yelling at me for no reason because you thought I’d done something wrong…”

“But, that was when we first got married…”

Funny how today’s conflict over one thing seems to be dragging a whole trainload of ancient issues along with it. If this has been a pattern in your disagreements, it may help to once again verbalize: “This is what we are going to discuss, and we will stick with what is relevant to this specific topic.” Again, it’s a way to manage the direction and tone of the discussion.

My best to you as you manage conflict and nurture your relationship.

How are you and your spouse currently managing conflict?

Would you say that you manage conflict, or is it managing you?

If you are working to save your marriage, has there been a change in how you both manage conflict?

Is your spouse receptive to putting in the effort to strengthen your marriage?

Please share your thoughts by leaving a comment below.

Wishing you hope and healing for your marriage,

Stephanie Anderson

Editor-in-Chief

Marriage Sherpa

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For Your Mind

Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death.
Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions.
Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention.
Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes.
Keep seeking God.
Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution.
Stop repeating the past and start creating the future.
Stop playing it safe and start taking risks.
Expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences.
Enjoy the journey.
Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can.
Live like today is the first day and last day of your life.
Don’t let what’s wrong with you keep you from worshipping what’s right with God.
Burn sinful bridges. Blaze new trails.
Don’t let fear dictate your decisions.
Take a flying leap of faith.
Quit holding out. Quit holding back.
Push all of your chips to the middle of the table.
It’s time to ante up all of your faith.
It’s time to go all in.
It’s time to go all out.

This is from Max Lucado. I think it will be a blessing to the readers. Thanks

What Can You See?

God is a God of picture. He takes pleasure in using what we can see to drive us to what lies ahead that our physical eyes may not see. He challenges us to use our imaginations and he does respect it.

Shortly before the Israelites entered the Promised Land God commanded Moses to send spies to view the Promised Land. He wanted them to have a picture of the land flowing with milk and honey, a land he has promised their fore fathers.

Twelve spies were sent to view the land. They were the leaders of the people. Leaders from the twelve tribes. Leaders who had been part of the leadership team of Moses. Great men who had seen the raw display of God’s power. Men who had seen natural laws being suspended on their behalf. Twelve leaders with different insight.

It was a forty days exploration of the Land. For forty days ten of the leaders could not seen victories but defeats; they could not see possibilities but impossibility. Forty days of fear and disillusion. Meanwhile, Joshua and Caleb saw differently within these forty days and they were eager to possess the land. They saw victory where others saw defeats. They saw God where others saw the giants. They saw themselves being well able where others saw themselves as grasshoppers. They returned to the camp with their various pictures.

The ten spies were eager to give their fear provoking reports. They painted the picture of a dreadful land that swallows its inhabitants. Immediately, all the camp of Israelites saw the same picture though they were not part of the spies. Fear comes by hearing fearful reports. At once they made bold declarations of their inability to possess the land based on what they have seen from what they heard.

Caleb and Joshua tried to make them see the God Almighty as a present help in time of need. But democracy became an issue. Majority carried the votes. These men saw another picture from the same land and they made bold declarations about possessing the land. The people were angry with them because they chose to stand out and refused to take their eyes from what they have seen.

God came down in the midst of the uproar with a verdict. The people would get what they have said based on what they have seen. Those who saw death and defeat died in the wilderness while Caleb and Joshua, the spies who saw life and victory, were alive to possess the Promised Land.

What can you see in your future? You are a spy! You can spy your future. You can see what God has promised you from the pages of scriptures. What you see is what you get. Every plan of God for your life is written in the scripture. You cannot feature in a future you have not picture from the scripture. God told Abraham that as far as he can see will be given to him for possession. Abraham saw beyond the immediate environment.

At another time, God asked him to count the stars in heaven. God gave him a picture of his children in the future. With this picture it was easier to believe in the change of name. What can you see about your future?

When you cannot see a silver lining behind the dark cloud you automatically become moody. Hopelessness has its root in poor imaginations. When you can’t have a mental picture of a brighter tomorrow you become a victim of depression and hopelessness. Two men in the prison were looking outside behind the bars. They were asked what they saw. The first man said ” I saw the iron bars and the strong walls.” The second man replied “I saw the stars.” He was released not too long after.

What can you see? What is your imagination? What is your dream? To dream is to spy the future. Martin Luther King Jr dreamt and saw the future in which the black man will be rated along with the white. Our founding fathers saw a sovereign state where every citizen will be free from the hard fists of the colonial masters. The Prodigal son saw a better life in the father’s house and he moved forward to deliver himself from slavery and poverty.

You may not look like it but you must see it first to be it. “As a man thinks in his heart so is he.” Keep your childhood dreams alive. Believe in the great future that lies ahead of you. No matter the prevailing circumstances you are well able to possess your Promised Land. Go on! Keep on! See your great picture. Believe it and take delivery of it. Joseph held on to that picture of his future. It came to pass. David saw the picture of bringing Goliath down like one of the wild animals that intruded his flock. It came to pass.

What can you see in your future? Let me remind you of what God said about it: “I know the plans I have towards you, said the Lord of host; plans of good and not evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11(RSV). What a great future lies ahead of you. Can you see it? There is no need for the soul to be downcast. The future is bright! There is a sparkling little star after the dark tunnel. Keep on keeping on. You will get there. Your map and compass cannot be lost as you stay your eyes on what is written about your future. What can you see? Go and possess it!

Dare the Impossible

Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death.
Set God-sized goals. Pursue God-ordained passions.
Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention.
Keep asking questions. Keep making mistakes.
Keep seeking God.
Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution.
Stop repeating the past and start creating the future.
Stop playing it safe and start taking risks.
Expand your horizons. Accumulate experiences.
Enjoy the journey.
Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can.
Live like today is the first day and last day of your life.
Don’t let what’s wrong with you keep you from worshipping what’s right with God.
Burn sinful bridges. Blaze new trails.
Don’t let fear dictate your decisions.
Take a flying leap of faith.
Quit holding out. Quit holding back.
Push all of your chips to the middle of the table.
It’s time to ante up all of your faith.
It’s time to go all in.
It’s time to go all out.

Time to know God

I got this tract “How To Know God” from a woman on my way from office this week. I left it on the dinning table. This morning while I was eating I saw my wrist watch on the tract and the Spirit ministered to my spirit “Time to know God.” The ‘how’ of knowing God has been taught again and again from thousands of pulpits all around the world. We have millions of hearers but what percentage are the doers? It is time to shift base from being hearers alone to becoming doers of the Word.

From Daniel 11:32 we read that ” those who do know their God shall be strong and they shall do exploits.” Four words stand out from this verse:(1) know (2) God (3) strength (4) exploits. These four words when properly weaved together gives a code for outstanding greatness in life.

‘Know’ is an action word. It means having knowledge of a subject matter. Knowledge increases strength. Proverbs 24:5. When you fail in the day of adversity then your strength is small. Proverbs 24;10. It is the knowledge you have of God from an intimate relationship and fellowship that puts you in the class of supernatural strength that culminates in exploits (good success).

It is obvious that desire for success is at high gear these days. Everyone is after what he can get at the expense of others. No one cares about anyone as long as one has his way to the top.

The writer of the book of Daniel showed us that strength and success(exploits) are obtainable from knowing God. Do you want to be strong against the adversity of life? Do you want to stand while others fall? Do you want to keep going against all odds while others halt? You need to know God.

The challenges of life have no time table. You must live ready to conquer all the time. Strength for victory is not acquire on the battle field but before the battle. The secret to supernatural strength is to know God! For they that wait upon the Lord ( relate well with God) shall renew their strength.

The second benefits of knowing God is in doing exploits. This is talking about undeniable proofs of supernatural display of divine wisdom. Jacob did exploits in the house of Laban. Without a knowledge of Genetics he bred desired species of livestock with a rod. The exploit of preserving grains for seven years without preservatives was traceable to the knowledge Joseph had about God.

For three men to come out of a fiery fire whose flame slain three hefty security guards was an exploit that cannot be doubted. Their secret lies in ” our God whom we serve is able to deliver us..” The damned the consequences. They were strong within. Their exploit was a national news. Even the king came down to bow for men that knew their God.

It is divine strength, inward strength, that guarantees true success in life. This comes from having a personal relationship with the Almighty God. You desire inner strength and success? Get to know God. It is time to know Him more and more for greater height and victories in all battles of life.

WELCOME!

There is time to every plan and purpose on earth. The time for the full realization of this blog has come. It is never an accidental blog but that which has been predestinated right from the foundation of the earth by the Master Creator to feed the minds of those who have been predestinated for greatness.

Let me welcome you to my blog. I can assure you that you will always have  word every time you long in.

The race is not to the swift…… Let us all receive grace not only to start well but to finish well. once again I welcome you!